As long as one develops, one will live. I could never come to a stand-still in my personal growth. A friend of mine has flowered so these past weeks, that he is slowly becoming a full person. I love seeing it, and I try to help the best I can, though it can be difficult sometimes, when you're not really around to give a hug, and the likes.
Anyways, I was talking to him on the net, and I was so glad he was better, that I told him, his happiness made me happy. He then said, that my happiness made him happier. And suddenly we had started a chainreaction, and we ended up on this cloud of happiness. I was almost high. It was SO good to him better.
So, the point to all this: Smile to the next person you meet. Be happy. It might save their day, and thus save yours, when they smile back.



A friend died. And it was really tragic too. He died of smoke poisoning, because a fire started in his kitchen. The tragic part is, that the fire died out, and had he not been there, nothing would have happened. Why is it, that it's always the good people, that die young? Like the world is a cruel place, and it want to kill of the things that makes it better?

It's just not fair!



We've all heard the expression 'it all depends on the eye of the beholder.', but how often do one actually think of it? A couple of friends had the same experience, and I talked to them both about it, and it was really wierd just how different they had percieved the situation. They agreed on some fundamental things, but the details were very different. That scared me a bit. Reading a lot of detective-novels as a child, I ofcourse knew, that in policework it's often difficult to know what witnesses see or hear, because they percieve it differently, but there's a big difference between reading about it, and experiencing it. It was wierd. Very wierd.

And also, on a note to the many rpg-players out there: We all know it pepends on the eye of the Beholder, but which eye is that? :D


Lack of sleep

So I didn't get more than a couple of hours of sleep last night. That might be ok for some, but for me it definitely isn't. My body experiences some very specific changes, that I'd rather be without. For instance my stomach is completely broken down, and my head is spinning. My eyes are hurting and my lips are dry. Not to mention all the things that probably is there, but I just don't notice. Like memory-blocks, speaking disorder and the likes.

I suffered from insomnia once, but if you've never tried it, you would never understand it, in a very fundamental way. It's not just a couple of days, in which you might be a bit tired. It's everyday, and the world seems to be the worse place to live. I think this might have something to do with the fact, that our mind work through the day's experiences, and sort them out, while we sleep. So after a couple of days, you're pretty messed up in you head. After a couple of more days, you need mental rest so badly, that you would do almost anything to get it. After a week more, you're going mental. And the worse thing is, that most people start being insomnic after a traumatic experience, and that's when you need your mental rest most. After a week or so, I eventually started to hallucinate. Looking back on it today it seems almost silly, but I can assure you it wasn't. It was very unpleasant.


Random thoughts

A friend told me, that my boyfriend is not at all the type, I usually date. That was compared to my ex. Well, I think he's wrong. I think it's the other way around. That my ex is not the type I usually date. It's difficult, because I was with him for so very long, that I almost forgot what my type is. What is a type? I think my type is humans. To be more specific than that, would be to exclude to many, and I don't want to be that narrowminded.

Also, I just found out that things I said years ago had hurt another. I am sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I would rather suffer myself, than have others suffer because of me, or things I can change.


So, being a roleplayer, much of what I say in everyday-conversations makes no sense to outsiders. Example: I can trip over a box, and my thoughts would be: 'Wow, I completely botched my spot-check'. My parents are really frustrated about this, and they still think rpg's are the worse that could have ever happened to me. I don't care. I think rpg's are expanding my world, not limiting it.

Also. Why is it, that most people I like, have a tendency to say the things I want to hear, not the truth? I know it's water under the bridge by now, but I just found out another one wasn't honest about his feelings towards me. Is it a wonder that I have difficulty trusting people, when they tell me about their feelings? I try to be honest. We should all be honest towards each other, otherwise we, as a race, will never truly evolve, and transcend to the next era.

Problem is, I have a lousy memory. I seem to be lying to myself to stop me from remembering the stupid self I once was. But if I don't remember, how can I ever change? I had a good, but not long enough talk with a friend, whom reminded me, that I was a bastard to him. How could I forget the things I said and did? Perhaps it's selfpreservation? We don't want to know that we're bastards, because that would make us less the people we want to be? And if we truly believe we are not the people we want to be, than what are we?


Old news - Depressing news

So I started thinking about the state of the world yesterday. (Stupid! - I know!) It always depresses me, that so many people suffer. And I can't do anything about it. I am just a small individual in a big and cruel world, and most of my generation are to busy drinking and reading fashionmagazines to care. The most depressing thing. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I want to make a difference, but somehow the small things I do, doesn't quell my conscience, and I can't stop thinking about all the people that my way of life suppress. BUT WHAT THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? It's really frustrating too. (Oh you could tell? Really??) I try to be positive about it, but eventhough my conscience should be cleaner than most's, it's not. Because, I KNOW! I know, that I could make a difference, if only I knew how. But I don't know how. Divine inspiration, where are you?