Home alone

So I am alone tonight. Utterly and completely alone. Scares the living shit out of me. So I chat. Which is ok, I guess. Used to be a very big part of my life, which I have put aside for my beloved, together with quite a few other things. But that will I cease to do, or I shall cease to exist.

I am still terrified of the dark, but as I have gotten older, I have learned to control the fear. Of course, sometimes my fear gets the better of me, and I end up staying awake till I fall asleep exhausted, and unable to think, much less focus on my fear. I used to say, that it's not the darkness without that scares me, but the darkness within, but that's not entirely true anymore. I have gotten to know my darkness, and learned to accept it. Now it is only the darkness without that scares me. And boy does it do that! And if you've never had a panic-attack, you'll have no clue as to why it can control me that much. When in a panic, you just can't think. No rational thoughts surfaces. There's only the thing that made you panic in the first place. For me it's fear. When I panic, the fear tightens its grip on me, and it will not let go, till I pass out. Then there's blissful moments of nothingness, and sometimes I pass over in sleep, without waking up. When that happens, my mornings are always a bit disoriented. Of course, now I should really write this in past-tense. I haven't had an attack like that in years. But the memories are still very vivid.


On Goodbyes

I hate saying goodbye to him. It's like a little part of me dies, every time I see him go. Sure I put on a brave smile, and parade that around, but inside I am hurting. It hurts so much I could cry. So why does it hurt so much? The obvious reason is, that I love him, and want to be with him, and just underneath that, there is of course my fear of loosing him, and never seeing him again. When that thought surfaces, I feel completely cold, like I could die of the ice inside me. Ever fallen into water that is way too cold? The inability to breath hits me like a wall of bricks, and I feel nauseous. But aside from that, why else do I hate it so?

When I close my eyes, I can still feel his presence, so close, that if I reach out I can almost touch him. His smell still lingers in the air, and I can feel his imprint on my lips. But when I open my eyes, he's gone. I can't help myself, I feel utterly lost when he's not around.


Do I want kids?

No, not really. Unless the world changes. I find it cruel to bring a kid up in this world. I remember very clearly when I realised that the world wasn't all sunshine and butterflies. And the more I grow, the crueler it gets. I could not bring myself to do that to a kid.. I would rather try and change the world for those that experience the cruelty, victims of war and famine.. I belive I can make their lifes a little bit better.. I belive we all should try to.


The horrors of every-day life

I don't have a real education. I haven't stuck to anything more than a year since I left primary school. Except this job. A year and a half. Yippie! My point is this: Why do I shift from place to place, unable to be satisfied with the same thing for more than a couple of months? Am I really the ultimate product of my generation, the generation zap? No, I don't think so. I believe that my life should be interesting and that I should do something fulfilling with it. That when I wake up in the morning, I shouldn't dread the thing I woke up to. Ofcourse, everyone has their periods of utter dislike for what they do, I know that. I just don't want it to be like that all the time. Is a fulfilling life to much to ask for?



Day one:

We arrived at the Airport about two hours earlier than we were supposed to, and when we checked in, we were informed that the plain was about two hours late. We sat down and played some backgammon and watched some telly. It was really hot, so eventually we decided to go outside in the gardens. There we met some guys who offered beers. As I rarely drink I declined, but Anna would like some. As we sat there, it started to rain so we went inside. The plain got later and later. Eventually at about 1.30 we were told that the plain had taken of from Stansted, so it would arrive a couple of hours later.

Day two

4.30 - local time
Finnally at the hotel. I am ehausted, but now Anna is wide awake. A big day later, meeting Joe AND seeing London by day-light. I am a bit dissappointed now, but will probably enjoy myself much more when I actually get to see something for real, and not through a bus-window.

In the bus I pointed and said: "Oh look - fog!" And Anna replied: "Oh look - The Marble Arch!" :) Much better at sight-seeing than I am..

21.45 - local time
Got back from Joe's. His place really IS smaller than mine.

Day three

22.10 - local time
Been to Camden all day, shopping. Anna went beserk! :) I bought a small fairy, really beautiful! Anna is going to Soho tonight, visiting the places she used to frequent when she lived here. I am just staying in. don't want to be a burden, and also my book is really really good.

Day four

14.19 - local time
At the British Museum of Natural History. The entrance was an unbelieveable sight. Impossible to explain. The light was dimmed, blue and red, and your were welcomed by Atlas with a globe on his shoulders. A lot of other greek gods were there too. The walls were painted like the starry night, and a huge cupper-globe marked the entrance to the earth-exhibition. Couple that with the weirdest music played on an antenna, and you got the feeling of being somewhere extra-terrastial, or perhaps intra-terrastial. Hmm..

day five

00.30 - local time
We just realised that we were supposed to be on a plane yesterday. :) So now we are trying to find out what to do. Jonas is helping from Denmark.

11.30 - local time
Just arrived at Gatwick airport to get the tickets. We are going home with Maersk air. Met Tony, one of the guys who bought us beer, he was supposed to go home yesterday too, and missed his plane too. :) I am really looking forward to getting back to Denmark.

18.45 - local time
Finally home. And now I am actually hungry, haven't eaten anything today, been to exited about going home.


Puff the Magic Dragon

Puff the Magic Dragon. Where I work, a webpage with Puff was send around to me and my collegues, and this actually started a huge argument, because some of the girls, including myself, started crying a bit. Most of the men found this silly. Here's my point, and the reason that I cried: As some might have noticed, I am a dreamer. The land of Honalee is obviously a dreamland, and for Jackie Paper not to go there anymore, it would have to be because that dream had died. I cannot imagine anything more sad, than a dream ceasing to exist, except if that dream comes true, and therefor no longer is a dream. The dreams and imaginations of a child is sacred to me. I remember the very second one of my childhooddreams ceased to exist, and that still fills me with terror. So everyone: Never tell a kid, that Santa isn't real, or that the Easterbunny doesn't exist. A child has the right to stay innocent and dreaming as long as possible. They will wake up to the very harsh reality ot the world soon enough!


I would life my life rather like the ocean, with big waves and huge falls, than like a lake, with no waves on it. I like the big emotions. Not that I have a choice, really. When I love, I love till it hurts, and when I hurt, I hurt so much I want to die.