8.26.2004

Home alone

So I am alone tonight. Utterly and completely alone. Scares the living shit out of me. So I chat. Which is ok, I guess. Used to be a very big part of my life, which I have put aside for my beloved, together with quite a few other things. But that will I cease to do, or I shall cease to exist.

I am still terrified of the dark, but as I have gotten older, I have learned to control the fear. Of course, sometimes my fear gets the better of me, and I end up staying awake till I fall asleep exhausted, and unable to think, much less focus on my fear. I used to say, that it's not the darkness without that scares me, but the darkness within, but that's not entirely true anymore. I have gotten to know my darkness, and learned to accept it. Now it is only the darkness without that scares me. And boy does it do that! And if you've never had a panic-attack, you'll have no clue as to why it can control me that much. When in a panic, you just can't think. No rational thoughts surfaces. There's only the thing that made you panic in the first place. For me it's fear. When I panic, the fear tightens its grip on me, and it will not let go, till I pass out. Then there's blissful moments of nothingness, and sometimes I pass over in sleep, without waking up. When that happens, my mornings are always a bit disoriented. Of course, now I should really write this in past-tense. I haven't had an attack like that in years. But the memories are still very vivid.

2 kommentarer:

Anonym sagde ...

I hope you will not put aside anything else for me. It always saddens me when I learn of the sacrifices on behalf of me. I struggle to understand you as you can have it all if you really want to.
I love you, sweet darling..
- Martin

Lykkefeen sagde ...

Wish I could visit you and show you the good side of the dark!